March 12, 2007
Dear Amanda,
I know I have already told you, but I’m writing this letter to you for several reasons. One reason is I want you to know what has happened in my life, and the other reason is I want you to know God is here and has not left you or forgotten about you. One day, I know you will be able to read this letter and fully comprehend the “why” of it all.
First of all, I want you to know I accepted “Christ” on February 2, 2007. Before this, my life had become very confused and lonely. I had drifted from one thing to the next trying to fill a void ever since your accident happened three years ago:
I tried to run away.
I tried a different job.
I tried relationships.
I moved from our home.
I even changed my last name, trying to escape.
Nothing worked until one day I shared with Sharon Ziesemer, Megan & Amanda’s mom, what was really going on inside of me. When your accident happened I received books on God and prayers from Christians. I could not read those books until recently I picked one of those books up titled Why: Trusting God When You Don’t Understand. I could not put the book down, and then I wanted to read more books about God. After that, I had an incredible urge to listen to Christian music. This was so unlike me I didn’t know what was going on. Sharon explained to me that was the Holy Spirit working in my life. She shared with me how Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and how much he loved me, and how he wants me to accept and follow him. We prayed on the phone right then, and I accepted Christ.
I was baptized at Calvary Baptist Church on February 25th, in the same baptistery you were baptized in when you were nine years old. Both you and I now have new bodies that can be used to glorify God. We’ve done everything else together, so why not do this together and make God smile? I want you to know, Amanda, that today I’m totally in love with Jesus and have experienced the same peace and joy that you have.
Ever since March 12, 2004, I have missed you so much. I miss your voice, your touch, your laughter, your silliness, your kindness, your charm, your tears, your talents, and your advice. I miss singing with you, chasing you around the house, waking you up for school, shopping, riding bikes together, and playing in the rain. The list goes on and on. But one thing God left with you is your beautiful smile and your warm spirit. He knew what I needed to keep going. There were days I could not get myself together. My emotions were uncontrollable and I could feel my anger turning toward God. I was afraid to go outside of our home and I was afraid to stay inside. I would cry, scream, destroy the house and isolate myself from people, because I didn’t want to see the joy in other people’s lives nor did I want anyone to see or feel my anger—especially not you or Zach.
I knew I needed to be away from you, Amanda, and that hurt too. I knew it hurt you and I could sometimes feel that you were angry with me for not being there. Then the guilt of not being available to care for you as a mother on a daily basis began to grow. We were both trying to survive the pain and change that we had absolutely no control over. It was that smile and warm closeness when I was with you that got me through another day.
I want you to know Amanda that not only were you my perfect little girl, but you and I were growing up together. I was four years into my recovery program at that time and you were teaching me how to live, how to laugh, how to cry, how to play, and how to be responsible. The most important thing you were teaching me is how to love.
When our world and life changed, as we knew it, God had you in his hands and you were okay all along. I was not. I wanted our life back the way it was. I felt as if I needed you to survive and I was scared.
Even though things are the way God has them now, I want you to know that we are still growing up together. You are still teaching me the same things, except now we are also growing together in faith, obedience, God’s love, and God’s word. Amanda, I told God he could use us to glorify him. I told him we would do anything he asked of us. I didn’t think you would mind. I want God’s will for you and for me. So we have to walk close to God and be very obedient to his word, because in his time, not ours, you will be healed. I believe that. I am not going to give up, nor will I allow you or anyone else to. I promised you when you went to live at Horizons that I would protect and watch over you. Now you have even more protection, because I’m on God’s side.
I know you’re aware of what’s going on, because I no longer feel your anger toward me. Your emotions are very alive, just as Jesus is very alive. I don’t know what God’s plan is for you or me, Amanda, but I know he has one. Without a doubt, if you and I keep our focus on him, day by day, he will reveal it to us.
Thank you for helping shape my life into what it is. I want you to know God is here and has not forgotten you and now we are both on his side. I look forward to this incredible journey together.
I love you so much.
Your Mom,
Linda Bankston-Mohler
